And Now for Something Completely Different: An Epic Tale of Lightsabers and Facial Pain

Though I started this blog without a really clear plan for the content I’d be writing (except that it’d be mostly video game-oriented), in hindsight I realize that there’s been a distinct pattern to my posts: So far I’ve written about a superhero game with horror elements, an open world action FPS that actually really uses horror/survival game mechanics, another open-world FPS with definite horror elements, and a full-on horror game. Oh, and a rant on modern gaming, because I’m a happy person like that.

Well, contrary to what one might think, I’m not gloom & doom all the time. Here's proof:

The (not so) Epic Tale

Flashback to the evening of Monday, June 18, 2018. I had come down with a flu over the previous weekend, and called in sick from work in the morning. I would end up also having to call in sick the morning after. It wasn’t a fun time, is what I’m trying to say.

…OK. Fine, geez. Maybe I am gloom & doom all the time. I'll own that.

On that dreary Monday evening, I was sitting in the basement, shivering, sniffling, and chatting on Facebook with a friend while waiting for my latest dose of Nyquill to take effect. We’re both avid toy collectors, and we were discussing how, as kids, getting new toys would cheer us up when we were sick. We were also reflecting on how little we’ve changed in that regard.

And then the magnificent bastard sent me this:

A few thoughts immediately flew around in my increasingly cloudy, Nyquill-addled brain:

1. $29.99? That price is WAY too good to be true.

2. Dat crystal, though. So shiny.

3. I wonder if this could be one of those “decent” knockoffs, like that fake Black Series Darth Vader figure I got a while back (which looks damn good on my shelf, even if it doesn’t *quite* pass a thorough inspection).

4. Man, look at those brass components. Soooo shiny.

5. “Sold by Ideal Mall”? Sounds legit. Except that no, it doesn’t.

6. There’s practically no way this video is showing the real thing, I’d better go check out some revie- OHHHHH THEY TURNED IT ON! Look at that brightness. On second thought, don’t; my eyes hurt (as does the rest of my face).

7. Reviews seem to indicate that they’re OK toys/costume accessories. How bad can they really be?

8. Wait you idiot, those reviews are on the goddamn product page. This is shady as shit; only a complete sucker would order those things.

9. SHINY

10. Face hurts. Want new toy.

11. Shady = Shiny?

12. Why my face hurts?

At the time, my (sluggish) reaction is to discuss some of the above points with my friend. He says he sent me the link since the sabers looked cool and I’m – quote – “the expert on this sort of thing”.

Just to reiterate: At that particular moment, I’m sitting under two layers of blankets, shivering, dripping, and drugged up to my goddamn eyeballs. I don’t qualify as an expert on much of anything, except for maybe being able to give an exposé on how much summer flus suck.

I ponder. I sneeze, blow my nose. My head hurts every time I do that, so I try to keep it to a minimum; mostly I just drip. And keep pondering.

Finally, I do the most logical thing I can think of at the time

SPOILER ALERT: I CAN'T THINK MUCH AT THE TIME.

DRUMROLL PLEASE

I hit the “purchase” button.

Yeah, that’s right, you guys: never, ever give an Internet connection and credit card to a drugged-up person whose mental age is approximately 8 years old.

Also, this is going to be the very first toy review on this blog. Yay.

The Very First Toy Review on this Blog. Yay.

The package took a bit less than a month to arrive – though I am writing this on July 18, the package sat at the post office for about 6 days. I went to get it yesterday evening, along with some medication: I luckily don’t have the flu anymore, but I am recuperating from a gum graft surgery. As such, we have come full circle: I have the sabers, and my face still hurts.

Let’s see if some toys can cheer me up.

Erm, yeah, about that.

As ominous foreshadowing, I find myself compelled to profess some doubts, and provide a picture of the shipment box, compared with some actual "collector grade" sabers:

Using Ultrasabers as references: the bottom saber is "full sized", the top one is an Initiate model made mainly for children.

Look, let me try to at least be a bit optimistic about this: it’s possible that these have short blades like the Initiate model, and were shipped in separate pieces, especially if the hilts really can be taken apart as in the Facebook video.

…

OK, fine, this is about as likely as finding out that the Loch Ness Monster actually exists, and is in fact a unicorn-dinosaur hybrid, and shits gold nuggets if you'll only feed it some McDonalds. Still, one can dream. Realistically, I expect that these will be kids’ toys, probably along the same lines (slightly better, if I'm lucky) as those off-brand LED swords found at discount stores and the like. I mean, how bad can they really b-

Oh. Oh dear.

Yeah, did I mention I ordered 3 of these? The price was actually $29.99 in AMERICAN dollars. In Canadian dollars, this translated to $39.99 apiece. Except that if you ordered more than one, the price dropped to the effect of approximately $25 per saber. What a deal!

Offhand, these basically do look and feel like cheap, off-brand sabers you’d find at a discount store. That’s probably because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE. To be completely fair, I do sort of like the hilt design (if I look from afar and squint a lot) – I likely wouldn't mind a “legit” saber with that pattern. Also, the blade looks to be a poly-carbonate tube (IE, the same kind found on actual "collector grade" sabers, albeit a lot thinner and flimsier-looking) within a larger, softer tube, with three LEDs at the base. I expect that when lit, these will at least look passable. There also appears to be a sound chip at the base of the hilt. Collector grade these are not, but they should at least make some young kids happy. For the two minutes it'll take them to swing the saber and accidentally snap it into a million cheap plastic pieces.

Anyway, I press what I assume is the ignition button (IE, the only button on the hilt).

Nothing happens.

There’s an obvious latch on the hilt that can be unscrewed, so I take a screwdriver to it and do just that.

Batteries sold separately. Of course.

Luckily, I have a jumbo pack of spare AAA batteries on hand. I pop two of them in and… wait, is that thing broken?

Looks for all the world like the contact plate broke off and left a gaping hole in the battery compartment.

 Goddammit. Really?

I open the other sabers, only to find out that they’re all like that. Oh, so those things really take three batteries, one of which needs to be pushed into the “hidden” part of the battery compartment. That’s probably why there’s two battery symbols on that side, duh.

Well played, saber. Well played indeed. You actually had me worried for a moment there.

I place the batteries, and push the button again.

Nothing happens.

What?! I double check to make sure the batteries are properly inserted, and try again. Nothing. I take another saber and load the batteries in, then press the button: nothing. Rinse and repeat with the third saber, with the same results.

Well, it must be the batteries, then. I take the ones from my Ultrasaber, which I know work just fine. I pop them into one of the toys. I press the button.

Nothing.

A kind of aggravated-yet-resigned understanding dawns on me at this point. I try the batteries in the other two sabers, with predictable results.

I sit there a while, looking at the three plastic swords. I take a deep breath.

Aaaaaand that’s it. We’re done. Review over. 

The best thing about these sabers is the packaging, specifically this grumpy rabbit with a staple in its mouth. It perfectly encapsulates how I felt, both physically and mentally, while doing this review.

I don’t know if it’s just me doing something wrong, or if all three of these things genuinely came broken out of the box, but what I do know is that if I spend one more minute with those oversized dildos, I’m going to use them as batting practice for my lawnmower. 

Kind of like this guy, but with more noodly arms, and angrier.

What, you’ve never swung a lawnmower around in anger before? It’s extremely cathartic, and totally safe. On a completely unrelated note, I'm awesome at typing one-handed. With two fingers.

More serious lessons I learned from this, which should have been common sense, really:

1. Never shop online while sick/doped up/otherwise mentally addled.

2. If an online ad looks shady as shit, that’s because it IS, dumbass.

3. My face still hurts, and I can’t help but feel that I sort of deserve it.

I was tempted to add “think before you buy”, but by that logic, I would never ever buy anything, which would kind of be bad for all the future toy reviews I plan to post here. That ratchet-ey sound you may be hearing right now is my wife, furiously rolling her eyes.

Final Score

I don’t tend to assign arbitrary, “out-of-five-stars” scores to things I review, but even if I wanted to, in this case, I couldn’t. This is a disappointment so massive that it generates its own gravitational field. This is a supernova of suckage that became a goddamn black hole. There are no stars left. My face hurts. I’m fucking done with this.

Time to return to what works: gloom & doom. By which I mean Silent Hill.

Which, incidentally, has a lightsaber that ACTUALLY WORKS. But that's for another post.