And Now for Something Completely Different: An Epic Tale of Lightsabers and Facial Pain

Though I started this blog without a really clear plan for the content I’d be writing (except that it’d be mostly video game-oriented), in hindsight I realize that there’s been a distinct pattern to my posts: So far I’ve written about a superhero game with horror elements, an open world action FPS that actually really uses horror/survival game mechanics, another open-world FPS with definite horror elements, and a full-on horror game. Oh, and a rant on modern gaming, because I’m a happy person like that.

Well, contrary to what one might think, I’m not gloom & doom all the time. Here's proof:

The (not so) Epic Tale

Flashback to the evening of Monday, June 18, 2018. I had come down with a flu over the previous weekend, and called in sick from work in the morning. I would end up also having to call in sick the morning after. It wasn’t a fun time, is what I’m trying to say.

…OK. Fine, geez. Maybe I am gloom & doom all the time. I'll own that.

On that dreary Monday evening, I was sitting in the basement, shivering, sniffling, and chatting on Facebook with a friend while waiting for my latest dose of Nyquill to take effect. We’re both avid toy collectors, and we were discussing how, as kids, getting new toys would cheer us up when we were sick. We were also reflecting on how little we’ve changed in that regard.

And then the magnificent bastard sent me this:

A few thoughts immediately flew around in my increasingly cloudy, Nyquill-addled brain:

1. $29.99? That price is WAY too good to be true.

2. Dat crystal, though. So shiny.

3. I wonder if this could be one of those “decent” knockoffs, like that fake Black Series Darth Vader figure I got a while back (which looks damn good on my shelf, even if it doesn’t *quite* pass a thorough inspection).

4. Man, look at those brass components. Soooo shiny.

5. “Sold by Ideal Mall”? Sounds legit. Except that no, it doesn’t.

6. There’s practically no way this video is showing the real thing, I’d better go check out some revie- OHHHHH THEY TURNED IT ON! Look at that brightness. On second thought, don’t; my eyes hurt (as does the rest of my face).

7. Reviews seem to indicate that they’re OK toys/costume accessories. How bad can they really be?

8. Wait you idiot, those reviews are on the goddamn product page. This is shady as shit; only a complete sucker would order those things.

9. SHINY

10. Face hurts. Want new toy.

11. Shady = Shiny?

12. Why my face hurts?

At the time, my (sluggish) reaction is to discuss some of the above points with my friend. He says he sent me the link since the sabers looked cool and I’m – quote – “the expert on this sort of thing”.

Just to reiterate: At that particular moment, I’m sitting under two layers of blankets, shivering, dripping, and drugged up to my goddamn eyeballs. I don’t qualify as an expert on much of anything, except for maybe being able to give an exposé on how much summer flus suck.

I ponder. I sneeze, blow my nose. My head hurts every time I do that, so I try to keep it to a minimum; mostly I just drip. And keep pondering.

Finally, I do the most logical thing I can think of at the time

SPOILER ALERT: I CAN'T THINK MUCH AT THE TIME.

DRUMROLL PLEASE

I hit the “purchase” button.

Yeah, that’s right, you guys: never, ever give an Internet connection and credit card to a drugged-up person whose mental age is approximately 8 years old.

Also, this is going to be the very first toy review on this blog. Yay.

The Very First Toy Review on this Blog. Yay.

The package took a bit less than a month to arrive – though I am writing this on July 18, the package sat at the post office for about 6 days. I went to get it yesterday evening, along with some medication: I luckily don’t have the flu anymore, but I am recuperating from a gum graft surgery. As such, we have come full circle: I have the sabers, and my face still hurts.

Let’s see if some toys can cheer me up.

Erm, yeah, about that.

As ominous foreshadowing, I find myself compelled to profess some doubts, and provide a picture of the shipment box, compared with some actual "collector grade" sabers:

Using Ultrasabers as references: the bottom saber is "full sized", the top one is an Initiate model made mainly for children.

Look, let me try to at least be a bit optimistic about this: it’s possible that these have short blades like the Initiate model, and were shipped in separate pieces, especially if the hilts really can be taken apart as in the Facebook video.

…

OK, fine, this is about as likely as finding out that the Loch Ness Monster actually exists, and is in fact a unicorn-dinosaur hybrid, and shits gold nuggets if you'll only feed it some McDonalds. Still, one can dream. Realistically, I expect that these will be kids’ toys, probably along the same lines (slightly better, if I'm lucky) as those off-brand LED swords found at discount stores and the like. I mean, how bad can they really b-

Oh. Oh dear.

Yeah, did I mention I ordered 3 of these? The price was actually $29.99 in AMERICAN dollars. In Canadian dollars, this translated to $39.99 apiece. Except that if you ordered more than one, the price dropped to the effect of approximately $25 per saber. What a deal!

Offhand, these basically do look and feel like cheap, off-brand sabers you’d find at a discount store. That’s probably because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE. To be completely fair, I do sort of like the hilt design (if I look from afar and squint a lot) – I likely wouldn't mind a “legit” saber with that pattern. Also, the blade looks to be a poly-carbonate tube (IE, the same kind found on actual "collector grade" sabers, albeit a lot thinner and flimsier-looking) within a larger, softer tube, with three LEDs at the base. I expect that when lit, these will at least look passable. There also appears to be a sound chip at the base of the hilt. Collector grade these are not, but they should at least make some young kids happy. For the two minutes it'll take them to swing the saber and accidentally snap it into a million cheap plastic pieces.

Anyway, I press what I assume is the ignition button (IE, the only button on the hilt).

Nothing happens.

There’s an obvious latch on the hilt that can be unscrewed, so I take a screwdriver to it and do just that.

Batteries sold separately. Of course.

Luckily, I have a jumbo pack of spare AAA batteries on hand. I pop two of them in and… wait, is that thing broken?

Looks for all the world like the contact plate broke off and left a gaping hole in the battery compartment.

 Goddammit. Really?

I open the other sabers, only to find out that they’re all like that. Oh, so those things really take three batteries, one of which needs to be pushed into the “hidden” part of the battery compartment. That’s probably why there’s two battery symbols on that side, duh.

Well played, saber. Well played indeed. You actually had me worried for a moment there.

I place the batteries, and push the button again.

Nothing happens.

What?! I double check to make sure the batteries are properly inserted, and try again. Nothing. I take another saber and load the batteries in, then press the button: nothing. Rinse and repeat with the third saber, with the same results.

Well, it must be the batteries, then. I take the ones from my Ultrasaber, which I know work just fine. I pop them into one of the toys. I press the button.

Nothing.

A kind of aggravated-yet-resigned understanding dawns on me at this point. I try the batteries in the other two sabers, with predictable results.

I sit there a while, looking at the three plastic swords. I take a deep breath.

Aaaaaand that’s it. We’re done. Review over. 

The best thing about these sabers is the packaging, specifically this grumpy rabbit with a staple in its mouth. It perfectly encapsulates how I felt, both physically and mentally, while doing this review.

I don’t know if it’s just me doing something wrong, or if all three of these things genuinely came broken out of the box, but what I do know is that if I spend one more minute with those oversized dildos, I’m going to use them as batting practice for my lawnmower. 

Kind of like this guy, but with more noodly arms, and angrier.

What, you’ve never swung a lawnmower around in anger before? It’s extremely cathartic, and totally safe. On a completely unrelated note, I'm awesome at typing one-handed. With two fingers.

More serious lessons I learned from this, which should have been common sense, really:

1. Never shop online while sick/doped up/otherwise mentally addled.

2. If an online ad looks shady as shit, that’s because it IS, dumbass.

3. My face still hurts, and I can’t help but feel that I sort of deserve it.

I was tempted to add “think before you buy”, but by that logic, I would never ever buy anything, which would kind of be bad for all the future toy reviews I plan to post here. That ratchet-ey sound you may be hearing right now is my wife, furiously rolling her eyes.

Final Score

I don’t tend to assign arbitrary, “out-of-five-stars” scores to things I review, but even if I wanted to, in this case, I couldn’t. This is a disappointment so massive that it generates its own gravitational field. This is a supernova of suckage that became a goddamn black hole. There are no stars left. My face hurts. I’m fucking done with this.

Time to return to what works: gloom & doom. By which I mean Silent Hill.

Which, incidentally, has a lightsaber that ACTUALLY WORKS. But that's for another post.

Silent Hills P.T.: the Dream of Remaking a Nightmare

IMPORTANT NOTE: I first started writing this post early last week (June 25^th). I originally intended to review the fan remakes of the Silent Hills P.T., but went off the rails (of course) and started writing an epic love poem to the series' first installment as an introduction. As such, I put my P.T. article on hold while I replayed the original Silent Hill, with the intention of writing a multi-article retrospective on the entire franchise.

Fast forward to July 3^rd when, while “researching” my next post (IE, compulsively browsing everything on the Net pertaining to my current obsession), I discover that a new fan remake of Silent Hills P.T. literally just came out.

Well, darn. Looks like that Wish Granter thingy from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. works after all.

And so I’m back to my original plan: as such, here is a retrospective on the three fan remakes of P.T. I’ve played over the last couple years. 

Spoilers are really the least of fears in Silent Hill, but you've been warned. 

Possibly the only time I’ve ever regretted being a grumpy, stingy, antisocial prick who makes a point of always being a generation late video game-wise (and about three generations late everything else-wise) was back in 2015, when I heard about a playable teaser ("P.T.") for the new Silent Hill game (creatively titled "Silent Hills"). Apparently, one of my favourite film directors of all time, Guillermo del Toro, and one of my favourite game designers of all time, Hideo Kojima, were teaming up for the new installment of my favourite series of all time. 

This collaboration's raw potential was completely off the chain: Pan’s Labyrinth had shown me Guillermo Del Toro’s skill at crafting the surreal visual aspect of a nightmare (seriously, just Google "Pale Man Scene" if you don't know what I'm talking about, and don't care for sleep tonight) and Hideo Kojima, well... For those who have played Metal Gear Solid 2, I think most will agree that it’s less “surreal” and more “What the fuck is going on, I’m losing my goddamn mind”. Which, to me, is exactly the feeling a good Silent Hill game should give the player. Also, holy shit, Daryl from the Walking Dead was going to be in it.

This was a dream come true. This was…

CANCELLED?!

Well, that was a damn shame, I thought, as soon as I had finished my twelfth hysterical screaming fit. But at least that playable teaser looked to be an interesting game in and of itself. I’d be sure to play it in a few years, when I’d finally get a PS4, and…

Wait.

Wait.

What do you mean, no longer available? Konami delisted... what?

I… just…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

My thirteenth screaming fit was, by far, the most intense yet.

Look, I think I took it pretty well, all things considered. I also had to buy a new computer around that time. There is no connection whatsoever between these two events, obviously.

Once I had regained my zen demeanour (and a functional computer), I read a fair amount about P.T., and watched Youtube plays. Despite the apparently simple concept and setting (a single, looping corridor where increasingly creepy things happen), it seemed to be a profoundly intricate game filled with a myriad of small details. As such, when I became aware of a fan remake of P.T., I wasn’t surprised to learn that it had a lot less going than the genuine article. Still, I was intrigued (and desperate) enough to give it a go:

Remaking P.T. with im-PuniTy (Yeah, I ran out of ideas for this one. Sorry.)

PuniTy is a basic remake based on - as the name implies - the Unity Engine. It was created by Canadian developer Farhan Qureshi for a 3D modeling course he was teaching in 2015, for which I sincerely hope he got the Teacher of the Year award.

First off, the bad: for some reason, Unity engine games never seem to run smoothly on my hardware unless I use low-to-medium graphic settings. It’s not a deal-breaker per se, but for a game that only contains one hallway, a lot is riding on how pretty that hallway is.

Luckily, the hallway is pretty, even on moderate graphic settings. One touch I particularly like is the swaying chandelier, which like other lamps in this remake has a nice wavy glass effect, and comes complete with an extremely ominous creaking noise (which I believe was taken directly from the original game).

It looks much, much prettier than it sounds.

I point this out because most of the content in PuniTy has been made by Mr Qureshi himself (which makes sense, given the game's purpose as a teaching tool, duh.) As such, the game takes some artistic liberties with the source material and is much shorter than the original P.T., but nonetheless, I believe it nailed the original's general feel. One main aspect of Silent Hill has always been the transition into the "Otherworld" - an alternate version of reality, overtaken by darkness and decay. The effect here is subtle, but I found that a simple change in lighting captured that sense of transition fairly well. Indeed, lighting was definitely one of this remake's strongest points:

"Well, this doesn't look too bad."

"Mommy? Help?" (Not pictured: that light at the end of the corridor buzzing and flickering ominously)

The gameplay is very basic: you can move around and look at stuff by zooming in. That’s it. There is no interaction of any kind, and the doors don't open: you just walk from one end of the corridor to the other, while increasingly creepy stuff happens (knocks on the doors, the distorted cries of a woman, twitching shadows following you around, cockroaches swarming down the walls, lights burning out, etc.)

The cockroach effect is especially nicely done, and a definite highlight of this remake.

Overall, I found PuniTy to be a well done, albeit very short (about 2-3 minutes if you keep walking and don't stop to admire the details) game that stands well on its own, and manages to keep the atmosphere - as well as the mother of all jump scares - from the original. The (few) animations and light/shadow effects in particular are very well realized and really contribute a lot to the scare factor. There are some rough edges here and there, such as the excessive motion blur, or the seemingly low-resolution textures on some of the paintings and the game's one enemy model, but

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I TAKE IT BACK, THE TEXTURES ARE FINE. MORE MOTION BLUR, PLEASE.

Just a Corridor, Nothing (Well, Not Much) to See Here

Playing PuniTy scratched my Silent Hill itch for a while, and I moved on to obsessing over other games for a couple years (some of which I’ve written about on this blog). It was last month that I randomly got a Silent Hill bug again, and checked for any further developments in terms of P.T. remakes. And behold, there was Corridor, created by one SmoggyChips: an “Early Access” remake demo, built on the Unreal 4 engine.

Corridor worked MUCH better on my machine than PuniTy did. In fact, it ran like a charm even with maxed out graphics. It also looked better in my opinion, with clearer textures (most of which appeared to have been lifted directly from the original game), and no motion blur issue, though lighting was generally not as good as in PuniTy. The windows, notably, were a major standout for me: they were one of the few elements that wasn't very faithful to the original game’s design, but they had a gorgeous animated raindrop effect that really added to the atmosphere.

One thing I found with Corridor was that it was relatively clutter-free (making it look too “clean”, if that makes sense). Compare for instance this screenshot of PuniTy VS. the same area as depicted in Corridor:

In PuniTy, I can assume I'm being stalked by some homicidal, alcoholic ghost lady (albeit one with very white teeth): scary.

In Corridor, I can assume I'm being chased by the alcoholic's equally homicidal mother, who made her clean up her mess and sent her to bed without dinner (but still made her brush her teeth): scarier.

Other than that, the only fault I can find to this remake is that everything seems static. Aside from the raindrops, a single cockroach, and doors opening/closing, nothing really moves. Even the level transitions are jerky, with a sudden lighting change giving away the fact that you are really just being "teleported" into the next loop, as opposed to walking through several connected hallways.

There is no ominously swaying lamp, which is the worst thing about this remake IMO.

Besides one apparition and one door slamming shut, nothing really happens, either. The same could almost be said of PuniTy, except that PuniTy did have more dynamic lighting effects and the mother of all jump scares at its end. In Corridor, you simply walk through, and eventually you’re done, which I found a bit anticlimactic. To its credit however, Corridor’s splendid visuals (aside from the aforementioned lack of an eerie swinging lamp) and clever sound trigger placements keep a steady atmosphere of dread throughout. A first run (assuming you haven’t watched Youtube plays beforehand) will have you jumping at creaking floorboards and sudden thumps on the other side of doors. The apparition I mentioned earlier? While not quite on the same level as PuniTy's encounter, it's still absolutely terrifying if you don’t see it coming. The final hallway? Well…

Did I mention that this comes AFTER the apparition? Nothing actually happens here, but you don't know that initially...

And so kudos to SmoggyChips, because despite being relatively light on content, Corridor honestly creeped the hell out of me during that first run. And though it didn’t have a swinging lamp, it did have a cockroach on a banana, something no other remake (and no other game ever, for that matter) has given me thus far.

D'awww, just look at this little guy.

A New Hope (for P.T., not the Star Wars one)

I was still obsessing over browsing articles about Silent Hill at work this Tuesday (erm, during my lunch break. Obviously.) and happened to come across this:

My heart skipped a beat. My palms became sweaty (well, sweatier than usual). My lips, so unused to smiling, cracked open (like, literally cracked, with blood and stuff) into a shit-eating grin. Someone came by my office to drop a file but, upon seeing my rather... enthusiastic disposition, thought better of it and hurried away to call the cops. Some of these events may have been made up for dramatic effect.

Holy. Fucking. Shit., I thought. Could this finally be it?

Goddamn, not that "it". Get the fuck out of my Silent Hill, clown.

I couldn’t wait to get home to download and play this new remake (my work computer unfortunately wouldn’t run it). The file was 1 GB and took a little while to download – an eternity, really, given my eagerness to test this apparently “playable, perfectly scary” remake. To occupy myself during the wait, I booted up PuniTy again and took some notes and screenshots for this post.

Finally, I looked at my download bar and behold, it was done. At last, I would get to immerse myself in a new horror experience.

Well, I hoped.

I started the game. I was in the same concrete room from Corridor, only with graffiti on the wall (the game’s credits), and a slightly more detailed neon light above the door. Beyond it, the familiar hallway awaited. I walked forward, looked at the surroundings, smiled in approval. When I turned the corner, I grinned with delight. When I reached the sixth loop, my goddamn jaw hit the floor. And, best of all, by the end of it, I was genuinely immersed, utterly creeped out, and undeniably impressed.

Graphically, this new remake resembles Corridors (indeed, SmoggyChips is listed in the credits), but seems to have added most of the missing assets from the original P.T.

Gameplay-wise, well, I will admit that I was skeptical at first – not only did I not want to build up insane expectations and end up disappointed, I genuinely doubted that any fan remake could truly replicate the entirety of P.T.’s details.

Rarely have I been so happy to have been proven (mostly) wrong. In fact, rarely have I been so happy, period. The game's 17-year-old creator, Qimsar, has really created something spectacular here (and made me wonder what I've been doing with my life so far).

EVEN THE WALLS AND FLOOR ARE QUIVERING WITH JOY!

Sure, this newest remake is not 100% perfect, and there are still a few things missing, especially animation-wise. There’s no rain effect in the windows, for instance, and no cockroaches (I assume those from SmoggyChips’ version were not used on account of not being completely faithful to the original). There’s a few missing textures, and no ghost attacks or level transitions and blah blah blah. I could go on nitpicking, but the fact is that all of what I would mention is already on Qimsar’s “To-Do List” for future releases.

Though Qimsar indicates that this is only a playtesting version, I honestly wouldn’t be too upset if there never was another release (once I was done with Screaming Fits #14 to 23, of course). As it is, Qimsar’s remake is, as far as I'm concerned, the quintessential P.T. experience. I’ve briefly mentioned above what’s missing from this remake, but you know what's better? Pointing out all the awesome, scary shit actually in it:

The mess is back; we're dealing with the alcoholic, as opposed to the alcoholic's psychotic mother, thank God.

Holy shit, you can actually go into the bathroom now! But I kind of don't wanna...

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANNA GO IN THE BATHROOM. WHAT THE FUCK.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK FRIDGE?!

Hey, it's the little girl from The Ring. In an animated, Harry Potter-style picture. Great.

THEN DON'T FUCKING ANSWER.

JESUS FUCK! ALCOHOLIC GHOST LADY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR... YOUR FACE IN GENERAL?!

STOP FOLLOWING ME, OR I'LL TELL YOUR MOM!

OK, nope. We're done. Sweet dreams, everyone.

Closing Notes

Though this most recent P.T. remake is by far the most complete of the lot, I would be remiss not to repeat that it's also a relatively hefty download at one gigabyte. Granted, that's positively puny compared to most modern games, but it's the largest by a fair margin if compared to PuniTy (a mere 68 MB) and Corridor (370 MB). 

I should also note that I tested these games on a dedicated gaming PC - your own experience may vary depending on your hardware.

If you're interested in trying any of the remakes, my obvious recommendation if you're hurting for disk space and/or don't have a very powerful PC is to give PuniTy a go. If you're lucky, it'll run better on your machine than on mine, and IMO it's worth a try even if you have the newest remake, on account of the ghost encounter at the end. It also has the best-looking swinging lamp, for what it's worth.

I'd probably skip Corridor in favour of the latest release, however I'd still recommend it to people who want a "light" version of P.T. without any super intense scares or puzzles.

And of course, if you like horror games at all, I heartily recommend getting this new P.T. remake. It's free, it's got scares, it's got puzzles, and it's got me addicted to Silent Hill all over again. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need my fix.